Torchwood Inbox
by Flawed Heroine
Summary: What's in the Torchwood team's inboxes? Just a bit of fun, emails coinciding with each episode. DISCLAIMER: I don't own Torchwood.
1. Everything Changes

**S1 Episode 1: Everything Changes**

**

* * *

**

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: ladykiller torchwood . net, workaholic torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Murder at the city centre**

Hi guys

There's been a murder down at Llangyfelach Lane. We should get there quickly before the police take the body.

Tosh

* * *

**From: workaholic torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, ladykiller torchwood . net**

What a coincidence, I'm already down there. Bring the glove, I'll meet you in the Centre, we'll drive down.

* * *

**From: ladykiller torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, workaholic torchwood .net**

**RE: Murder at the city centre**

Tosh. It's bloody pouring down. It's freezing. Can't we wait until someone gets murdered on a nice sunny day... scrap that I forgot this is Wales. Bloody hell. I guess I'll meet you all at the Hub.

Cheers (or not)

Dr Owen Harper

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

Sir, what do you want me to do about Snoopy McSnoopington? Suzie told me you were being watch by some PC - should I bother to track her down and Retcon?

Ianto

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

I've got the feeling this won't be the last we see of this one. Never mind, I could be wrong. If she gives us any more grief we'll start with procedures. Go home and get some rest and come back early tomorrow morning. We need to see whether we can get any more fresh meat for the glove.

Jack

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: R U OK?**

i just got an email from Andy he says u've had a hit to the head. R U OK? I hope u get sick leave 4 this

love Rhys

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**RE: R U OK?**

I'm fine Rhys, really. Just a silly knock to the head and a couple of stitches, that's all. I'll be home soon.

Love Gwen xox

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, workaholic torchwood . net, ladykiller torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

I think we should let this one in, what does everyone else think? Oh, look she's got pizza! That's it, Ianto, open the doors - I'm starving. I just hope it's not vegetarian.

Ok - everyone remember to keep a straight face. Don't ruin the suspense - I have a great bit I want to play out.

* * *

**From: ladykiller torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

Shame Jack has to Retcon this one, she's kinda hot, if not a little nosey. She's got a good rack.

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: ladykiller torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

Hm? I hadn't noticed. Besides, I don't think that's very appropriate language for the workplace, Owen.

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: workaholic torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

Suzie, do you think the intruder's pretty?

* * *

**From: workaholic torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

You're gorgeous, Tosh. But I don't know why you're asking me. If you're just looking for someone to give you a self-esteem boost you might want to invest an interest in my life once in while. You're not the only one with problems, Tosh.

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: Gary's Computer Repairs (Cardiff Branch)**

**RE: Broken computer**

Hi. My name is Gwen Cooper, my computer is playing up for some reason. I must have done something to it but I just can't remember, when I woke up it was just a black screen and nothing else. It's pretty jurassic, but it has all my work documents on it so can you please send me a message if you can squeeze me in for an appointment? Thanks.

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: ladykiller torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Suzie**

I just can't believe it. Suzie? I feel so awful for bringing the scanner home with me now - Jack is really angry. But Suzie? I can't believe she murdered all those people. I can't believe she's gone. That woman Gwen looks really shaken up. I knew people could break Retcon but then to see Suzie die like that. If it wasn't for her, Suzie would probably be gone, off to kill others. But then again Suzie would still be alive. I'm so confused.

* * *

**From: ladykiller torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Suzie**

Yeah, Tosh, we're all shocked. I'm changing my email address now, seems a little too close for comfort now. I just can't believe Suzie didn't say anything. I never would have suspected her.

Jack's taking that Gwen woman up to the roof. She looks pretty upset about the whole thing. Hopefully Jack Retcons her and she can get on with her life.

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, the caffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

RE:

Owen, I like your new email address. The other one was bad taste, no offence.

Anyway, who's in the mood for a new co-worker?

* * *

**Review please! I know it's not exactly astounding literature, just a bit of fun. The next chapter will be better, I promise (I hope). I got the idea from the Torchwood website - which reminds me: I don't own Torchwood! **


	2. Day One

**S1 Episode 2: Day One**

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: work?**

gwen, u just ran off without telling me anything i know you're at work - wat was that thing anyway? it looked kinda like a plane on fire. anyway when r u coming home?

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**RE: work?**

Yeah, it was small passenger plane. Thankfully, there was only one casualty, but still, there's a lot to do and it's all over the place. Rhys, I'm sorry, but it looks like I'm going to be at work all night, if not longer. And please stop contacting me at work, I have my hands full as it is already.

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: work?**

Alright, no need to get into a strop. I'll see you when I see you - and hopefully you'll be in a better mood by then.

**

* * *

**

From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice .

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: I AM SO SORRY**

I AM_ SO SO SO _SORRY

SORRY

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

_SORRY!_

sorry.

**

* * *

**

From: thecaptain torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: I AM SO SORRY**

Gwen, leave it. Seriously, you need to stop apologizing (and emailing!) and get to work. At least go talk to Carys and don't make me regret hiring you.

**

* * *

**

From: twatlife torchwood . net

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: the newbie AKA freckles AKA sweetcheeks AKA sweetheart AKA the girl who's gonna get us all killed**

Okay, what is it with the new girl anyway? Who throws a chisel like that anyway? And all that talking about humanity and emotions and bollocks? She's bloody bonkers.

Clink this link for some good sexy fun times.

**

* * *

**

From: toshikosato torchwood . net

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, the caffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: the newbie AKA freckles AKA sweetcheeks AKA sweetheart AKA the girl who's gonna get us all killed**

You provoked her, Owen. Her name is Gwen, not freckles or sweetheart or blahblahblah whatever. I think she's nice, maybe she's right about us listening to Carys, nothing else has worked so far.

The video is not funny, Owen. Gwen will die if she knows we were watching her.

**

* * *

**

From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: the newbie AKA freckles AKA sweetcheeks AKA sweetheart AKA the girl who's gonna get us all killed**

I think you like her Owen. You always treat the people you fancy like you can't stand to be around them. It's a wonder they don't fall for your genteel-like charms.

By the way, Owen that video is quite an invasion of privacy, don't you think? To answer the inevitable question - no, you can't put it on Youtube.

I agree with Tosh, she's nice, even if she does apologize too much. Just one thing - why's she turned Suzie's old work area into a collage?

**

* * *

**

From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Jack?**

It's weird - I know you guys don't know anything, I've even run background searches in the police but there no trace of a Captain Jack Harkness, except for one who died like fifty years ago. Why was he holding that weird hand like that when we were chasing Carys? What is that thing anyway?

**

* * *

**

From: twatlife torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: Jack**

We don't know a thing, so don't bother asking, because our resources are much better than the shitty ones you have at the police and we've got zip. We don't know what the hand is. All we know is that he's weirdly attached to it. I, for one, don't want to know. Who knows where that's been. I dunno, why don't you kiss him again, you might find out.

Click this link for some good sexy fun times.

**

* * *

**

From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Jack**

_OWEN!_


	3. Ghost Machine

**S1 Episode 3: Ghost Machine

* * *

**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Safety protocols**

In regards of recent events, Jack has asked me to rebrief you all on the basic Torchwood security and safety protocols. Those being (in brief):

Rule 1. Don't take anything home, except under the express permission of Jack. This includes paperwork, for security reasons. Each member is to be issued a standard pistol and stungun for self-defence in the outside world upon exiting the Hub. These are to be used with caution and restraint - Gwen, you'll need to undergo the firearms training before this applies to you.

Rule 2. Handle alien technology with care. This includes refraining from pressing shiny buttons, no matter how tempting, Gwen.

Rule 3. When on-duty, keep your PDAs on, as well as the comms. Gwen, we have a new phone for you, come collect it at the front desk. Your old one was from the Stone Age.

Rule 4. All injuries and illnesses, no matter mild or seemingly unthreatening, must be attended to by Doctor Owen Harper immediately. The last thing we need is an outbreak or a team member down. On a related note, full body exams must be approved by Jack, so don't listen to what Owen says. Jack Harkness wanted to express his apologies to Gwen Cooper for not warning her of this earlier.

Rule 5. Let Tosh devise the passwords and install security software on all of your computers. Unsuitable passwords include: password, torchwood, gwencooper, rhys, letmein, qwerty and 123456. To the perpetrator - you know who you are. Please see Tosh urgently and pray for the sake of your life that there is nothing about Torchwood on your computer.

Rule 6. Hairspray is not Weevil spray, no matter how badly you want it to be. In a related note, they won't stop advancing just because you make doe-eyes at them and kindly tell them to stop.

Rule 7. Throwing equipment is now banned, especially around smoking alien meteor things with sex-addicted gas monsters inside of them.

Please register your complaints with Jack, not me. Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Safety protocols**

Why do I feel like all of these rules are directed specifically at me? :(

**

* * *

**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: Safety protocols**

Hahahahaha... oh, Gwen, sweetheart. That's because they are. And please refrain from using emoticons. You're in Torchwood now, not junior high. **

* * *

**

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: you really are a twat**

I'm NOT bloody senile, Owen. What I saw was real. It was more than real. I felt it, okay? But I guess that's a little hard for you to understand seeing as you have the emotional capacity of a stapler. Why would I make it up, anyway? You are the one who isn't making any sense.

**

* * *

**

From: thecaptain torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net, twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: Bernie Harris**

Where are you? I hope you haven't given up on Bernie Harris and are having lunch or something. There's this thing. It's call professionalism. You all need to take a leaf out of Ianto's book. Give me a call when you get this message.

**

* * *

**

From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: don't go doing anything stupid**

Owen, are you alright? If it's any comfort I know how you feel - what it's like. You can feel it, can't you? It's weird.

Please don't do anything rash like going out to find Ed Morgan. We have to find this Bernie Harris first, then I promise you I'll help you investigate, we'll treat it like a proper cold case like we do in the police. I don't like what you saw as much as the next person, but Jack has expressed that he wants it done his way. I don't want to get on his bad side, not after what happened with Carys. At least talk to me Owen. I know we're not exactly friends but I can help you.

From Gwen

P.S. I never realized just how funny Ianto is until now. "I believe it's pronounced Sploe". I was cracking up about it all the way home.

**

* * *

**

From: twatlife torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: don't go doing anything stupid**

Leave me alone Gwen. You of all people don't have the right to tell me what to do. What you saw was nothing compared to what I saw. She was so scared, she just wanted to go home. And then he killed her. Don't tell me that I shouldn't go after him. Because I will. I am. I'm going to give him what he deserves.

**

* * *

**

From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: the quantum transducer**

Tosh, you wouldn't happen to know where the quantum transducer is, would you? I hope you haven't taken it home to run tests. Do I need to send the safety and security protocols out again?

If you have, don't fret. I won't tell Jack, okay?

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**

* * *

**

From: toshikosato torchwood . net

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: the quantum transducer**

No, I don't know where it is Ianto. After what happened with Suzie, I know better than to take things out of the office. Jack was furious.

Why don't you check with Gwen? She might have forgotten the protocols or _something_.

Tosh

**

* * *

**

From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: the quantum transducer**

Gwen, did you take the quantum transducer home with you? I won't tell Jack if you did, but you ought to be more careful of the rules, especially after what happened with Suzie. Jack wanted to run some more tests on it and now he can't find it. Now I have to think of a story to cover you guys or something to that extent if I don't want to be experiencing the wrath of the Captain tomorrow. If you want my advice, is that if you've taken it, get into work as early as possible tomorrow and slip it back where it was before. You might just get away with it. Depends on Jack's mood in the morning.

Speaking of Jack's mood - what did Jack want you for when he sent Owen home?

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**

* * *

**

From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: the quantum transducer**

Yeah, um, sorry, I did take it home with me. I'm so sorry if I've caused you any grief Ianto, I'll get it back to where it was first thing in the morning. I just wanted to... uh, never mind. It's silly anyway.

Jack was teaching me how to shoot, what did you think he was doing? I'm now sufficiently trained in weapons, he reckons. It was amazing, Ianto. I never realised how exhilarating it is just to hold a gun in your hands. I have the power! haha

**

* * *

**

From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: the quantum transducer**

Careful, Shotgun Sally. Don't get too trigger-happy, okay?

**

* * *

**

From: thecaptain torchwood . net

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Bernie Harris**

Owen, where are you? We need all hands on deck finding this damned Bernie kid. He's so elusive, I'm starting to wonder whether he would make a suitable addition to Torchwood. On second thoughts, probably not.

Gwen mentioned you might be going after Ed Morgan. Owen, I can understand that you want him to pay for what he did to that poor girl, but there is no reason to dredge up a cold case in the middle of all of this. We're not the police, no matter how much Gwen might want us to be, and this is no humanitarian assignment. There is no argument for this. Come to the Hub now and help us find Bernie Harris.

**

* * *

**

From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: shiny things with buttons**

In light of recent events involving the mishandling and misuse of the quantum transducer, the Captain has requested me to remind you of rule 2 in the safety and security protocols brief I sent you earlier this week.

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**

* * *

**

From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: Bernie's flat**

I know you told me that what Bernie and I saw were just possible futures. Still, I'm not letting a possibility become a reality. Bernie is just a kid, no matter what he's done or what he's seen. He's scared for his life and I'm on my way to Bernie's flat right now to make sure that he doesn't have to be. You might be acting very coolly about this whole situation, Jack, but let me just remind you that we're not all immortal. We actually have fears about death, like rational, normal human beings. Not all of us can survive a bullet to the head, you know.

Gwen

**

* * *

**

From: thecaptain torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: Ed Morgan**

Gwen, I know you're going to be beating yourself up about this and I'm giving you my orders as your boss to stop it. That kind of thinking will get you nowhere fast, in fact, the team will suffer for it. I know I said I hired you for your empathy but you need to separate your emotions from what needs to be done. This might seem harsh, but it's necessary in Torchwood.

If you're still not convinced, I must enforce this to you Gwen - it was NOT your fault and I don't understand your logic or really why you're so upset about it. Ed Morgan rushed you while you were holding the knife and he wanted to die. If anything you did him a favour - okay... ignore that last point. That was insensitive, even I know that without you telling me.

I'll call you when we need you in for work. In the meantime, go watch a movie or something. Something light, though. With Adam Sandler in it.

From Jack

P.S. I'd appreciate it if you could stop mentioning my, er, inability, especially in emails. Tosh could hack my account in two seconds flat if she wanted to. The less people who know, the better.

**

* * *

**

From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Safety protocols**

The Captain has requested that I make an addition to the brief about safety and security protocols. Sorry Gwen for this.

Rule 8. As with scissors, keep all sharp pointy things (like knives) pointed towards the ground when holding them. Also, don't run with scissors or gum in your mouth. If unsure of the proper protocols, refer back to kindergarten.

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones


	4. Cyberwoman

**S1 Episode 4: Cyberwoman**

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: drtanizaki cybernetics . net**

**RE: visit**

Dr Tanizaki,

I'm so glad you responded to my email. I'll explain most of it when you visit, but right now the condition is stable. There are still high levels of pain and immobility, which I hope you will be able to have some insight on. I'll see you at the agreed time (sorry, this might be scanned or monitored, I have to be discreet).

I hope you like pizza, but I'll get some coleslaw just in case.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: hubsketball**

I am so bleeding bored I could throttle the lot of ya. Hows about after we get this work done we play a bit of Hubsketball? Then off to the pub for drinks, yeah?

Gwen, Hubsketball is a slight variation on basketball, for your information, since I know you'll ask. It's played in the Hub and no matter what happens I always win. Those are the two rules. Cannot be changed.

Anyone seen Ianto? I'm dying on the inside without my caffeine fix. Quick, otherwise I might actually have to try that fabled thing called sleep.

Owen

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: hubsketball**

I dunno, Ianto's been in the front office bit all day making phone calls. I asked him to make me a coffee earlier but I guess he never got around to it. Yet, I didn't make puppy-dog-eyes and begging gestures like some people *cough* Jack *cough*.

You play basketball with all the computers and equipment around? That's a bit haphazard, don't you think? Doesn't mean you won't go down Owen. Gwen Cooper does not not get pushed around by smug men, especially by ones half her size.

Gwen

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: hubsketball**

Ohhhhhhhhhh snap!

Okay, I am never saying that again.

Then it's settled - girls vs boys. Get ready to be pulverised, ladies!

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: gygdnshdfyyyy gweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeniiiieee**

gwenny i thinks u has eyes like kermit da frog loooollllll ksygdhyf theyre green like the frog did u film me wife swap? u be bad wife if u didnt . uhoh i forgotwe wasnt married - do u wants to be married gwen? then wes can go on wife swap! i tink imma little drunken gygtrqqq lol gwen daf just puked on the rug YECHHH! ew! how iss life gwen love? do u wuv meeeee? cuz i wuuuvvvvsss yoooooooo soooo muuch like i wuvs danishes and reality TV and wearing no pants im not wearing pants rite now hehe ygsgdftrrrr get me a danish on ur way home darrrling gwen otherwise we is getting a divorce! can we get a cat?

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Suspension**

Ianto, I regret to inform you that you have been suspended from Torchwood 3 until a later date (to be advised). Please hand in your weapons, clear away your personal effects, and exit the Hub as soon as is possible.

I'm sorry Ianto. I'm sending Owen around to your apartment to give you a full medical check. If you're to come back, I need you in the best state, both physically and mentally.

Yours,

Jack

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: Ianto**

He gets a suspension, that's it? He purposefully let a Cyber-man... woman... thing into the Hub! He got two people killed! I have a concussion because of that guy. Why is he getting off so bloody lightly?

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Ianto**

He did the wrong thing, we get it. But put yourself in his shoes. If that had been Rhys converted I probably would have done the same. And stop complaining about your head. I guess it's true what they say - men really can't handle pain.

Gwen

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Ianto**

Owen, you can't judge Ianto, not really. Who knows how any of us would have coped in Ianto's situation? Besides, we should care for Ianto at the moment, no matter what you think he's done or what you think he deserves. Nobody comes out of situation like that without scars.

Tosh

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net, toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: Ianto**

If I were you, Owen I'd bite my tongue before I suspend you as well. You'd better get over this petty resentment soon because I need you to run a full medical on Ianto tomorrow morning. There are no arguments about this. Ianto may have been in the wrong, but he's experienced a major loss tonight. I think he's been rather gracious about it, considering.

Here are the tasks for the days ahead:

Owen - rest your head (and your mouth) and give Ianto his medical. I want it in detail, all the way down to his mental condition. Then perform the autopsies on the delivery girl and Dr Tanizaki. See if you can make their deaths seem normal.

Tosh - log Ianto out of the system. You'll also need to deal with Jubilee Pizza, as they're going to wonder why their delivery girl didn't make it back to the shop. Standard procedures, no need to make a fuss - Lisa never got above ground so it was all pretty contained. Help Owen make the deaths seem normal - throw the bodies in the docks or on the side of the road. We can't have it getting out that there was a Cyberman...woman...thing in Cardiff.

Gwen - I need you to be Ianto for a couple of days - just don't go near the coffee machine because the last time you nearly broke it and Ianto nearly had a coronary. File the reports, etc. I'm sorry, but you'll need to follow this up with their families. Make sure they don't suspect, especially Dr Tanizaki's family, since he was already involved in Cybernetics. Just be your usual personable self and make sure their questions are "answered".

I expect the best regard from all of you regarding Ianto. Even the best of us make mistakes. We all need forgiveness sometimes.

Signing out,

Captain Jack Harkness

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: last night**

Ianto, I hope your medical went well and Owen didn't give you too much grief. Just ignore him if he did, he's such a prick sometimes. I just want you to know that there's no hard feelings, even if I did almost get converted. Owen reckons I should sue you for psychological damages, but really, I've made mistakes too. I hurt so many families when I let that gas free on my first day. Now people have to live without brothers, fathers, sons, and husbands and that's on my hands. So of course I won't blame you for this. Your mistake costed less casualties than mine, and I know what it's like to want to protect the person you love. I wonder if I would have done the same thing had Rhys been in Lisa's position.

I hope Jack lets you come back to work soon - we're having to buy coffee from a local cafe but it tastes like dirty dishwater compared to yours.

Feel better soon,

Gwen

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: hi**

Ianto, I just wanted to say hi. We've all missed you around the Hub the past week - Jack is currently trying to make his own coffee because we are all just so sick of going around the bay to go to a cafe. Then Owen suggested (in his infinite medical astuteness) that maybe we should all kick the caffeine habit, as apparently it's not good for us. Have you ever heard the like?

Anyway, I have a story for you that just might cheer you up. A couple of days ago, Jack had these energy pills and he claimed he knew what they were - they were kind of like an intergalactic Red Bull, he said. But we didn't want to take anything because they were alien and could be unsafe. But halfway through the week, on a particularly dismal and wet afternoon, we all converged on Jack's office, tired and low on caffeine, begging him to give us the alien drugs - I think the conversation went somewhere along the lines of - "GIVE US THE DAMN BLOODY ALIEN HAPPY PILLS JACK!". He said he was sure they couldn't do anything bad to us, they were just supposed to be a pick-me-up and for some reason (at least two of us were hungover) we believed him. We all took it. For the first half-hour nothing much happened, but I did feel quite energetic and bubbly.

Then, all of a sudden it hit us. I started to fidget, but really badly, like an itch that needed to be scratched, I had to sit by the computer and type furiously just to stave off insanity, my hands had minds of their own. Gwen started to laugh - apparently she'd read a particularly drunk email from her boyfriend - and would not stop for at least two hours. Honestly, after the first hour, I thought that it might kill her, it was so bad, she was doubled over and clutching her sides and giggling like a crazy person. Owen got it the worst - he's such a lightweight - he was running around the Hub like his feet couldn't stop him, his arms spread out like he wanted to fly. Apparent Jack was immune to the drug - he said something about the evolutionary ladder that we just irritably raised our eyebrows at - and simply watched the whole thing, videoing it and laughing at us.

To wind up, when the drug wore off, Gwen ended up having the worst case of hiccups I have ever seen in my life, my hands went numb and floppy and felt as if they were going to drop off (if I get carpal tunnel because of Jack, I'll kill him), and Owen was just thoroughly embarrassed as we all sat down with popcorn (really) to watch him zoom around the hub like a toddler on amphetamines. And Jack swore that from now on alien drugs were off limits and we would just have to end up getting our coffee from somewhere else. That's why he's desperately trying to get the coffee machine working right now and Gwen's standing next to him trying to help but he's just giving her these predatory eyes and telling her to step away from the coffee machine. Remember what happened last tim? Don't worry, she's not getting near it. No need to panic, Ianto. It's all under control.

That's my story, anyway. I hope the mental images of Owen being an aeroplane cheered you up - I'll show you the video sometime as Jack gave us all copies to take home. We all miss you Ianto. And not just for your coffee, either. Take care.

Love,

Tosh

* * *

**From: thedragons milleniumcentre . com . uk**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: Upcoming matches**

Dear Mr Harkness,

**Thank you for registering your interest in upcoming football matches at the Millenium Centre!** We have accepted your request and have put you on the VIP list for tickets being sold for live rugby matches.

August 11 - The Welsh Dragons will be playing Scotland in the upcoming trials for the UEFA world cup. Would you like to pre-order tickets? Click _here_.

September 17 - Support the Dragons in the FA Cup qualifiers against the Three Lions (England). Would you like to pre-order tickets? Click _here_.

Click _here_ to browse and purchase The Dragons merchandise including football jerseys, banners, and calendars.

Click _here_ to watch previous rugby matches held in the Millenium Stadium, read reviews and stats for past games, and learn about the Dragons players.

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: what is this horrible stuff clogging up my inbox?**

Would someone please explain why I have emails in my inbox about upcoming matches in the Millenium Centre? Who signed me up for this service? Gwen, I'm looking at you. I have better things to do than see a live rugby match, capiche? And I honestly don't care if that makes me unWelsh or unmanly. I do what I do for I am what I am.

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: what is this horrible stuff clogging up my inbox?**

Oh go back to America you girl

* * *

**Okay... here's the thing. You don't really email while you're being attacked by a cyberwoman. That's why most of the emails take place before or after the events. The humour may be dampened a little here - this was a sad episode for Ianto and I needed to address that somehow. I'm also terribly sorry (to any Welsh or English natives) about the horrid inaccuracies concerning football or rugby or whatever it's called. I just strung together a couple of phrases and team names from Wikipedia to make it sound "real". I really know nothing about sport, not even sport in my own country.**

**Read and review x**


	5. Small Worlds

**S1 Episode 5: Small Worlds

* * *

**

From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: bloody faeries!**

You will never guess where Jack's taken me. You know, when I first joined Torchwood I thought it would be all fighting huge scary aliens and solving mysterious crimes in the dead of the night and all that stuff. But nooo, right now I'm sitting in a room with a bunch of misfits listening to a crazy old woman yammer on about faeries, Ianto. Bloody faeries! And she actually believes they're real! To make it worse I've got Jack sitting next to me sporting some big goofy grin like he believes they're real too! This job just keeps getting weirder. This boss just keeps getting weirder, I should say.

Gwen

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: bloody faeries!**

Don't knock the mythical creatures, Gwen. Only last year we came face to face with a real mermaid. Well, she wasn't really a mermaid so much as a woman who'd been subjected to high amounts of the alien chemical ursenium and as a result, developed a blue tinge to her skin and a strange intolerance to those little wrinkles you get on your toes and fingertips when you stay in the bath too long.

If you want to talk Jack's weirdness I should tell you that last night, at about 11:30 I was at the Hub and Jack was there too - except he was in what I can only ascertain as his pyjamas. I think you were right about Jack living at the Hub. But then - where does he sleep?

By the way, Gwen, you've been with us over a month now - I think it's safe to change your email address. We're not gonna out you, unless you do something incredibly stupid. You're in Torchwood now.

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: bloody faeries!**

I told you! I told you he lives at the Hub! My goodness, he must get lonely up there by himself though. He probably uses his time to bond with Janet and that weird hand he's so attached to... And now he's reading over my shoulder and telling me angrily to turn off my PDA while the crazy old lady is still talking. Yep, she's still going on about faeries. Do me a favour, Ianto - if I ever get that senile, set the Weevils on me.

I can't change my email address - Rhys can't see I work for Torchwood, he thinks I'm a desk clerk or something for Cardiff police special ops.

Gwen

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: bloody faeries!**

You can actually have multiple email accounts, you know. You can even have email from other accounts sent to your main one, so you don't have to check both of them. Tosh can show you how if you like, it's not that complicated. In fact, each one of of us has three or four cover accounts, and we haven't found it too hard to upkeep.

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**

* * *

**

From: thecaptain torchwood . net

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: fairies**

First things first - Gwen, you finally changed your email address! Welcome! You are now officially one of the gang. Scared? You should be. Now if we can only get Tosh to change her email address to one that's a little less, ahem, boring.

As you know, we're dealing with fairies. But these aren't the kind that sit on red-and-white-spotted toadstools and drink the dew out of buttercups while braiding their long golden hair, okay? This is a force I never thought we've have to deal with again, and we are thus very very underprepared. But no worries! Here's a list of thing's you be wanting to do should you want to stay alive:

1. Do NOT threaten the happiness of a child. They could be a Chosen One. This means NO making them cry. Owen, I'm looking at you here.

2. Call me should any freak weather patterns occur, even if you think it's just Cardiff being particularly stormy.

3. Do not underestimate the fairies. They control the elements. They are deadly fast and notoriously elusive. They feed on doubt as much as fear. Don't let them catch you off-guard and don't do anything to anger them. The best we can do is to stay out of their way. Good luck.

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: coffee?**

Ianto,

Sorry to be a pain but before you leave the Hub could you bring some coffee downstairs please? And maybe some snacks? Jack's got me looking over the weather all night after what happened with Estelle. This whole thing with fairies is sort of setting me on edge though - if we can't track them and they only exist in the corner of your eye then how can we ever anticipate them? What chance do any of us have?

Hey Ianto I know you just came back from suspension and I know it must be hard to come back to work after all that's happened. If you want to, you know, talk or something, I'm here.

Tosh

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: coffee?**

Tosh,

I'll be down with my best industrial strength brew and whatever biscuits I can find in the kitchen. It's not a pain at all - I'm already busy up here mixing drinks for Jack. I don't know why but he's not taking Estelle's death particularly well at all and scotch on the rocks seems to be the way he's dealing.

I'm fine. Jack has been really good about it all and we've talked about it together. I want to be back at work. It's a distraction more than a reminder. And as for talking to people about your problems have you even spoken to Owen yet?

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**...**

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: coffee?**

What do you mean have I spoken to Owen yet? Has he said something to you? I have no idea what you're talking about Ianto. I have nothing to say to Owen. Really, though, did Owen say something? Never mind. Don't tell him about this, okay?

* * *

**From: proud****tobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: help**

I believe you.

Please come to my apartment right now. Oh... just get here as soon as you can, please. I think I'm being threatened by previously mythical creatures and Rhys is just a right wreck about it too. I can't have this, Jack. I can't have this in my home near the people I care about. I have never had to bring my work into Rhys's life - all the shit I saw as a PC with the death and the abuse and all the terrible things that we had to deal with which now that I think about it probably had something to do with you and Torchwood. That all got locked into a vault the moment I stepped into the apartment. Now we're both in danger because those things have made the connection between me and Torchwood. What did I do to provoke them, Jack? I've done nothing and now they're threatening me.

Please just come as soon as possible. I don't want this to go further than it already has and when you arrive I want answers.

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: the last time we kissed**

I heard your apartment got broken into and trashed by creatures, which according to you, don't exist. Try explaining that one to your insurance company, hehe. I bet your boyfriend is freaking out, is he? Jack just sent over the pictures of your trashed apartment - they've made the floor look like potpourri! What's with the rose petals, anyway? Jack said something about them playing a game with us. A very sadistic game.

Gwen, when are we going to talk about what happened in the storage unit that night? You can't deny what happened. We kissed. And it was a good kiss. If we weren't trapped inside a pitch black storage unit being hunted down by a crazed cyberwoman I would have definitely taken pictures. Hey, that just gave me an idea for something really kinky... never mind. I'll tell you about that later - or would you like me to show you?

**

* * *

**

From: twatlife torchwood . net

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: the Pierce family**

I honestly cannot believe that Jack let that happen. I don't know how he thinks he can let a child go to what might as well be her death without even asking the mother! I could bloody kill him. Who is he to split up the bond between mother and child? It should be salvaged, no matter what cost.

**...**

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: the Pierce family**

Owen, I had no idea you felt so strongly. Are you ok?

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: the Pierce family**

Let's just say I know how it feels.

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**RE: insurance**

Hey, Rhys I managed to get most of the apartment back in order but could you call the insurance company and see if we're covered for this. I think we should be - it's a basic break and enter. Thanks.

Love, Gwen

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: help me!**

Ianto! Look what you've done! You convince me to get two email addresses and now I've sent Rhys an email from Torchwood! I can't find Tosh - please please please help me hack into his account and delete it before he finds it! I don't want him getting Retconned by you people - I know what that's like. Besides even if he could know I wouldn't want him to. I don't want him getting involved in this. Having our apartment trashed by faeries was bad enough.

Hurry Ianto! Please?

* * *

**A/N: Ok that's finally done. I really wasn't happy with this installment probably because I was very uninspired by Small Worlds - not one of my favourite episodes, and it was so hard to make it humorous this time as well as making it meaningful. I really did try to take some of the focus off Gwen and onto some of the others but the first few episodes for this season really did centre on her view of Torchwood as an audience surrogate. Thank goodness the next one is Countrycide - one of my faves! I hope it will be much better than this. The formatting on this site is weird... they're not letting me make too many rulers and line breaks so sorry if it's confusing. See if you can spot the foreshadowing for Adam in this...**


	6. Countrycide

**S1 Episode 6: Countrycide

* * *

**

From: thecaptain torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Roadtrip!**

Okay, guys... just in case you didn't get the messages I've been sending you ALL MORNING (and are consequently ignoring) it's time to get your gear together and help me load up the car - because we are going on a roadtrip! Come on, it'll be fun... It's only to the Brecons Beacons, it's really not THAT far.

Jack

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, the caffeinator torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Roadtrip!**

No. Fucking. Way.

If you think you're stuffing me into a car with four other people on a cold Cardiff morning to try to find dead bodies in the bloody countryside you have another thing coming. I'm a city boy, through and through. Sure I signed up for bloodthirsty aliens, unusual homicides, rift spikes, dangerous technology, and an almost complete loss of a social life (or sanity, for that matter) - but I did not sign up for the countryside. I'm going back to bed. Wild Weevils couldn't drag me there.

Owen

**...**

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net. toshikosato torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Roadtrip!**

Shoot. We really need Owen on board, especially if there's going to be bodies to deal with. I'm regretting it already - but I think I might go to his house and stun him and just drag him into the car. If anyone opposes this email me back immediately when you get this message.

Jack

* * *

**From: pcandy cardiffpolice . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: Brecons Beacons disappearances**

**Attachments: (1) BrecBeacMissingFile . wps**

Gwen,

Here's the info you wanted on the disappearances that have been going on in the Brecons Beacons. A total of 17 recorded people have gone missing around the area, varying in all demographics. The cases aren't linked - they couldn't be. Funny thing is, I've been looking it up and I don't think that this is the first time this has happened around this area. It's kind of like the Bermuda Triangle of South Wales - everyone who goes up disappears, without a trace, and the police haven't had much to do with the investigation. I think it's been going on for years now. Spooky, but that's what you're into now, isn't it?

I was wondering - if you're not too busy do you want to grab a coffee sometime? It's been a while since we've done anything together since you left us nobodies for special ops.

Love Andy

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**To: pcandy cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: Brecon Beacons disappearances**

Thanks for that Andy. Hopefully we'll be able to crack this, or at least, be back before dawn.

Coffee sounds nice, but how about dinner? You're right, it's been a while since we've caught up and it would be nice to have something to think about that isn't work for once. I'll bring Rhys along too - we know this nice little pizza place near the Millenium Centre called Jubilee Pizza. And I'm sure Rhys would like to see you again too. It'll be fun - I'll bring wine.

Gwen

**...**

**From: pcandy cardiffpolice . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: Brecon Beacons disappearances**

On second thoughts, don't worry about it. I'm sure we'll run into eachother while you're telling me to move along with your fancy special ops. Don't deny Rhys that pizza dinner though - you know what he's like when he's hungry.

From Andy

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: don't even bother coming home, why don't u?**

i thought u said u'd at least email me if u couldn't make it for dinner tonight. i've been sitting around the apartment for four hours waiting for u to get home. i've missed dinner with cheryl and mike, which is a real pity because he flies out tomorrow and that means i can't see him again until next bloody winter. what a fine way to spend my week off. thanks for that gwen. really, I appreciate it.

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: reply please ASAP**

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL ASAP!

Tosh

**...**

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: reply please ASAP**

Tosh, what the hell?

Jack

**...**

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: reply please ASAP**

Uh, my computer was gone quite a bit ... so I wanted to check if it was alright and was still connected to the network. I guess it is... so yeah. Bye.

**...**

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: reply please ASAP**

Wow. It's just a laptop, Tosh. Take these couple of days I'm giving you off and seek some help. Geez.

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: check-up**

Hey Gwen. Jack wants me to check up on you - not just the physical but the mental too. I dunno, he reckons you're gonna go off yourself because of the cannibals. I think he's overreacting because - weren't you a police officer before? You must have seen that kind of shit all the time with your job, even if not to that extreme. Lucky Jack's giving us a few days off to recuperate, eh? Time to get pissed.

Cheers (or not)

Owen

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: check-up**

Well, let me cut down for you Owen. I get home - it must be ten-thirty in the morning and the first thing I get is Rhys yelling in my face, saying he's left me messages and that he's had to change his plans waiting for me to get home. Then he sees my jacket which still has blood and gunk all over it and he completely flips out. I have to lock myself in the bathroom just to get away from him. I start freshening up and cleaning away the wound like you told me. I don't know how long I was in there but suddenly Rhys bursts in, having picked the lock, and starts freaking out - seeing my bloody jacket and my bandages. I try to tell him it's nothing but I can't fool him this time. Eventually he leaves it alone because I won't let up, I don't even answer him. I don't think I can, I can't even drum up the effort to lie anymore. The rest of the day goes by without me noticing - we spend it on the sofa watching crappy reality TV and he's looking at me but I can't look back at him, and we don't even talk for hours and hours. He thinks I'm in danger, or that I've been in an accident. But he doesn't know the half of it. He doesn't have a clue of what's out there or the thoughts and images that keep circling around and around in my head. It doesn't stop. I just have to get away, I feel like he's accusing me of not trusting him and I know that he's right. I need to get out, are you at home at the moment?

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: check-up**

Shit. Sounds like you really need someone to talk to. Yeah I'm at home at the moment, why do you ask?

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: yummy**

Has anyone realized - the only people living in that little community at Brynblaidd were cannibals? All the people, including the policeman and undoubtedly other workers. Then, I hate to ask, but what on earth was in our burgers? Hmm, I think Tosh was right about those stalls being unsafe. Gross.

...

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Thanks for that**

Thanks for that Ianto. Really, I so needed to hear that - while I'm eating my dinner! Honestly, guys, I wouldn't worry about it. I think I'd be able to tell the difference between minced beef and human somehow. As least, I hope I would.

What's disturbing me now is how good that burger actually tasted. Seriously, it was one of the best I'd ever had. Not that I'm getting a taste for human fle- Okay, I'm stopping myself right there. These two days have been weird enough.

**...**

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: yummy**

Well, now I'm glad I went hungry. I hate to say I told you so but... That's even worse than hepatitis, I think.

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: then that means...**

But wait... then that means... ohhh. Oh my g- I think I'm going to be sick.

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood. net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: thanks a lot**

Thanks, Tosh, Ianto. Really, it's not like yesterday didn't make me sick to the stomach already. Bloody hell - that is just disgusting. I told you going to the countryside wasn't safe, but no, you go ahead and drag me along anyway. It's dirty, it's unhygienic, it stinks, and it's filled with sick sociopaths who think that the way to a good time is to make passing tourists into kebab (or hamburger) meat and to never brush their teeth ever. And by the way, Harkness, prepare to hear from my lawyer, once I get one, that is. That stunt you pulled with the stungun yesterday morning was really low (even for you), not to mention illegal. What's more, I can't believe you guys actually let him do that. Don't expect any favours from me soon.

Really, Ianto, I thank you so much for your insight. You couldn't have kept that little pearl of wisdom to yourself, now, could you? Of course not. Now Gwen is puking her guts out because of you. Don't blame her - like any of us needed to hear that. You're sick, the lot of yeh. Twisted and sick in the head. You all wouldn't happen to be raised in countryside, by any chance?

**...**

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: ?**

What are you doing with Gwen at this time of night, Owen? Jack's put us all on mandatory rest leave so the Hub is practically out of bounds - trust me, I tried to get in there tonight to get all my software together and run a few diagnostics on my laptop but I nearly got my head bitten off. Jack even threatened to douse me in some of that protein sauce Ianto uses to feed Myfanwy. So if you're not at the Hub... then how come you're together?

Tosh

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: ?**

Hmm, you're a bit nosey there Tosh. Do I detect a hint of jealousy? Just kidding. For your information, which, frankly, is none of your business, I was completing Gwen's medical check-up on her shotgun wound at her apartment. This time of night is the only time she could do it - Rhys has got a few days off and naturally the only way he's leaving the sofa is to go to bed after a big meal. After that, he's out like a light. We could be tackling a Weevil in the next room and he wouldn't stir. Apparently he's the oblivious type.

Owen

* * *

**A/N: I really hope I did this episode justice - it's one of my faves, of season one anyway. Of course I countered the problem that none of them had any computer, phones or equipment during the whole ordeal so most emails take place before or after the events. I just had to delve into the little problem with the burgers - since the episode never did. Plus some much needed PC Andy. The next update will be Tosh's episode, Greeks Bearing Gifts! I look forward to delving a little deeper into Torchwood's very own technical expert.**

**Read and review! x**


	7. Greeks Bearing Gifts

**S1 Episode 7: Greeks Bearing Gifts**

**

* * *

**

From: twatlife torchwood . net

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Alright, sleepyhead, are we ready to go yet? Hmm? By the time you get here the corpse will have decomposed - even further. It'll just be a pile of dust - and I can't very well perform an autopsy on a bloody pile of dust, now, can I? Besides how else will you get to see me in action and bask in my medical brilliance?

By the way, this whole email "correspondence" is getting real old, real quick. Can't I just call you when I want to talk or meet up? I have a tongue, I have lips, and a larynx (that would be the voicebox to those without a medical degree). Oh, and fingers too. I do believe they can be used to dial phone numbers. Amazing, the human body, truly.

Impatiently,

Dr Owen Harper

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

RE:

I'm sorry, I'm not a morning person, okay? I'm on my way out as we speak - or rather, type. And I'm sure there'll be plenty of time later to bask in your "brilliance". Ahem.

Listen, we already spoke about this. Phones are too risky, you know I have to be careful. Email is fine, Owen. And besides, I thought you might want to rest your lips and tongue for a bit, especially after last night. ;)

Gwen

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Oh, yes, I forgot you had a boyfriend, you scarcely mention him. What was his name again? I think it starts with R - Raymond... Roger... Rasputin? No, no, now that I think about I am sure it rhymes with cheese.

That has got to be the most daft thing you've ever said. Do you even know how fast Toshiko could hack into both of our accounts? Then your dirty little secret is out.

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE:**

It's Rhys. And like you don't know.

Now you're being daft. As much as Toshiko is a very smart cookie she is so completely oblivious about us. You know she's so wrapped up in her computers and her work she wouldn't have noticed one bit. Not that there is anything to notice because we've been so careful about it staying a secret. So unless Tosh can read minds, I really don't see how your theory works. The email stays.

I'm at the Hub now - let's go, we might finally get to see you put your doctoring skills to work.

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Says the girl who was recently patched up by Doctor Owen Harper after walking into the path of a shotgun undefended and ended up having her side riddled with metal pellets last week.

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: no it hasn't had its day**

For your information, jeans and boots are a perfect combination. They can be dressed up, dressed down, accessorised in a variety of ways to create and complete all sorts of looks, and they will remain a classic and favoured fashion choice for years to come, especially in Cardiff's climate. So there.

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: no it hasn't had its day**

Tosh - what the bloody hell was that all about? :S ... Are you drunk?

* * *

**From: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Ianto,

Do you wanna go grab a coffee sometime? As friends, of course. And I promise you won't have to make it. We could just talk - looks like you might need a chat. Anything you want. I'm here for you.

Tosh

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Tosh,

I never drink the coffee in cafes. Most of the time they're not even trained barristas -it's so much more than working a machine. But thanks for the offer - not quite sure what that was about but it was nice nonetheless. Honestly though, Tosh, you're looking more troubled than I at the moment - like you're lost in thought, most of the time. I needn't remind you about the list for UNIT Jack keeps harping on about. Perhaps we'll catch up after that's finished - I wouldn't want to be the reason for distracting you and the consequent neural aneurism our Captain might suffer if he doesn't get it soon.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

* * *

**From: marymaryquitecontrary wmail . com**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: hello again**

Yep, that's right, I have your email address too, not that it was hard to get. Toshiko Sato at Torchwood . net? Please. You have_ got _to get that changed.

Hope you don't call the cops thinking I'm a crazy stalker chick that just has a thing for Asian women who work in secret organizations. I heard you considering it when you were wearing the pendant - among other things, some quite raunchy for such an innocent looking girl. But really, don't do that. I would just find that too ironic.

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Tosh**

Guys,

Has anyone noticed something strange about Tosh lately? She just asked me about Greek mythology because apparently she'd had a question like that in a "pub quiz", out of nowhere. But I swear - the way she was looking at me, it seemed as if she was wanting more. I think there's something she's not telling us.

Jack

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Tosh**

Apart from her strange new penchant for weird-looking accessories, only one other thing has changed and I am shocked that you lot haven't picked up on it._ Men_. It's obvious, isn't it? Toshie is in_ loooooove_. She's flustery, detached, flittering between emotions so that one moment she's over the moon and the next she feels like she wants to cry, and everywhere inbetween she's pissed off as hell. If that's not what being in a committed relationship feels like then I don't know what is.

**...**

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Tosh**

Ah, isn't that romantic? Watch it Gwen, you'd better stop hanging out with Owen so much - he's starting to rub off on you.

* * *

**From: dihenderson cardiffpolice . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

RE: Toshiko Sato

Mr Harkness,

My secretary tells me this is the most efficient way of contacting you. My name is Detective Inspector Henderson, I work with the Cardiff Police. I have some information for you you about your colleague, a Miss Toshiko Sato. Don't worry, it's not bad, rather the contrary, actually. Once you get this email, give me a call, just ask for D.I. Henderson and my secretary will put you through.

Sincerely,

D.I. Henderson

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE:**

How long has she known? How long has she been listening? I really can't believe this, this is the ultimate invasion of privacy. All those lingering looks, I should have known. Shit! The things she would have been listening to - it's even worse for you, now your dirty little secret is out. I'd be mad if I were you.

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Oh, like we can take the moral highground here, Owen. Honestly. Just leave her alone. What we've done is just as bad, if not worse. I wouldn't be surprised if Tosh never lets us forget it.

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: Hi**

Hey, Tosh. Like the new email address, far less conspicuous than the last one you had.

Listen, do you want to go get an icecream? Well, _you_ can get icecream. I don't like icecream, it gives me a headache.

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**...**

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Hi**

Yeah, Mary suggested I change it. Guess that's one good thing that came from her being here.

Ianto, I think you watch too many chick flicks. Icecream doesn't solve a girl's problems, it doesn't mend her broken heart, and it doesn't dry her tears. But yes I would like some icecream - a triple scoop of chocolate mudcake, with chocolate syrup and toppings and whipped cream and those little wafers with sprinkles and grated chocolate and those little malt ball things. Not that icecream helps.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry to keep you waiting so long for such a lame update. Wasn't really feeling all that inspired by this episode, to be honest, but I hope you like it all the same. Reviews are lovely. Haha BTW anyone else think Gwen's snide little comment/thought thing about Tosh's jeans and boots combination in this episode is particularly ironic, seeing as she practically lives in them all through S2 and 3? Hmm.**


	8. They Keep Killing Suzie

**S1 Episode 8: They Keep Killing Suzie**

**

* * *

**

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: the big narrow-down**

Alright then. Someone ain't too fond of our little operation. Whatever, no big deal... except it becomes one when three innocent people die with Torchwood's name written in their own blood. And Retcon, is involved somehow. I think there's reason to make this investigation our top priority. Some one is thoroughly ticked off - but who? It's going to take a while to narrow this whopper down. Ianto, FYI, you might want to have those coffees at the ready. Maybe a biscuit too - could you crack open your "secret" stash? I could really go for a Butter Puff right about now. And will somebody find out how many people we've Retconned? A rough estimate will do.

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: the big narrow-down**

Behold - a comprehensive list of the people we've cheesed off:

1. Cardiff - in general.

2. The Cardiff Police - hey, do you think that Detective Swanson had something to do with this Jack? She looked rather pissed off at you. And she didn't even react to your advances - perhaps she's a cyborg. Because that _would_ be the only reasonable explanation wouldn't it, Jack? (/sarcasm)

3. UNIT. They just don't seem to like us very much. Did anyone steal one of their poncey red caps?

4. The government. Mainly because we tell them what to do all the time and occasionally let alien threats loose on their people. Can't imagine them having the balls to do that anyway.

5. Gwen's boyfriend. He may not know we're here but I don't think he appreciates the fact that his other half comes home at 3 in the morning covered in bruises (and the occasional gunshot wound). If he ever musters up the energy to get off his lazy fat arse and do something about it we'll be in for a world of pain.

6. Did I mention the species of all those aliens we've tried to kill? Sure, they're not people but they have advanced weaponry and technology beyond our means. Plus some of them are really, really big and have teeth.

7. Speaking of aliens with teeth - Weevils. We capture them and shove them in a cell and make them eat where they... well, you know. There might be a subset of intelligent Weevils down in the sewers just plotting our downfall. Hey, you never know.

8. The pizza delivery people we sometimes let in and show the wonders of the Universe and then Retcon. That's right Gwen, you weren't the first.

9. Cardiff tourism and real estate agencies - I can just imagine their pitch. Come to Cardiff - under a constant threat of alien invasion and a near constant spread of clouds. And don't worry - the cannibals don't bite!

10. And finally - Jack's former lovers. Don't make me write a list. Quite an exotic array from what I hear, aliens included. And quite probably psychos to get into that mess.

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: the big narrow-down**

Very funny, Owen. But you'd better think twice before you insult Rhys like that again. And you mention Jack's former lovers but what about yours? The first time I met you, you were using that awful spray. Yeah, I don't think they appreciated being drugged into liking you, somehow.

But let's be serious for a moment - Tosh's lab results showed the killer to be in his forties, Caucasian male, smoker, drinks tequila. Detective Swanson said it didn't match any DNA profiles, but not all potential murderers would be in the base. And that profile matches half of the male population in Cardiff. I think if we're going to track this killer down, we're going to have to use something other than human technology. Something a little more personal.

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: the big narrow-down**

Okay, but what do you have in mind?

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: the big narrow-down**

Something, I don't know. It could be dangerous. I'll think it over and bring it up at the meeting. If I can convince Jack, this may be our ticket to finding the murderer.

* * *

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Suzie**

I was thinking about what Gwen said in the meeting - that none of us really knew Suzie. And I think - I know - that because, well, we, or at least, I wasn't paying attention. I mean, I guess as the only other woman here I was supposed to be the closest to her? But look at this email Suzie sent me the day before she died:

__

"**From: workaholic torchwood . net**

**To: toshikosato torchwood . net**

**RE: Snoopy mcsnoopington**

_You're gorgeous, Tosh. But I don't know why you're asking me. If you're just looking for someone to give you a self-esteem boost you might want to invest an interest in my life once in while. You're not the only one with problems, Tosh."_

How blind could I be not to notice that? Does anyone else feel really guilty or is it just me?

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: Suzie**

Trust me, Tosh. I was far closer to Suzie than you ever were and I never noticed anything. Yeah, she was a proper psycho but she was also a murderer. And murderers don't want to get found out. We can't be blamed for not realizing something that Suzie hid so well.

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: Suzie**

I think I had something else on my mind back then. Funny, no-one seemed to notice that either.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: the daily grind**

Owen, you're a doctor, right? You at least claim to be. So can you explain how a corpse is in our basement, drinking coffee and eating her way through my private stash of Bolands Fig Rolls? And one other thing - how did you find those? They are supposed to be hidden!

I think Jack and Gwen are trying to kill her by over-caffeination. I've been preparing coffees for the last hour! How much can one corpse drink?

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: the daily grind**

Well, as long as you're up and making them Ianto, I'll have a flat white. No sugar.

Cheers.

P.S. Myfanwy's nest is quite the hiding place, Ianto. But we've known about it for months.

* * *

**From: workaholic torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, toshikosato torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: If all goes to plan...**

**- THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE -**

I'm not even sure if this will be needed, of if it will go to plan at all. If Max does what I've "told" him, the poem should trigger the lockdown of the Hub, and the sending of this message. And hopefully, I will be well on my way by then. I do apologize to whoever fell victim to the glove, they probably have no idea why they're feeling so ill right about now. And in less than a day, they'll be dead. And I'll be free. And in case I don't get to say my goodbyes, here's a message to each of you, assuming you're not dead yet. I'm sorry for your loss, but three months isn't long enough to get very attached to someone is it? You'll be over it in a week.

Captain, my Captain. I know you're not going to like the fact that I got away. You always blame yourself when things go wrong, and why shouldn't you? You're the Captain. You're the leader. And you're the one who gave me the glove, the one who didn't even bat and eyelid when I spent so many hours perfecting that one weapon. My obsession - didn't you see it? Ah, but how could you? You're the mighty Captain Jack Harkness. Maybe next time you'll learn to open your eyes.

Owen. You're a ... well, what are you, really? To me? A quick lay? I hoped to be more than that but I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up. I really do hope you find peace after Katie, so this self-absorbed twat image you're trying to put up is only temporary. I know you can find the right one again, Owen. I thought that it would be me, but maybe the answer is closer to you than you thought. See, you probably think I'm completely evil by now but I really do care. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship too much.

Toshiko. Dear, shy Toshiko. I really did try to guide you, even just subtlely, even if you really couldn't give a shit about what I was going through. I think you know what I mean when I say you should go for it. He's not that oblivious, but he is a guy. A cynical, bitter, callous one at that, but even so, he likes the attention. But if you want anything to happen you just have to be a little more upfront about it. To honest, I don't know why I even bother, but I guess it's an apology for all the work I'm going to leave behind for you. Hope they seek a proper replacement for me eventually - but not like on the day after or something. That would be a bit insulting.

And finally, Ianto Jones. Well, I haven't known you long but I do appreciate the coffees. If you ever want to leave this wretched place I'd be more than happy to hire you as my butler.

Farewell, my "friends". Hope you miss me when I'm gone, but I know you're not going to want me back once I am.

P.S. Ianto, I was the one who told the others about your private biscuit stash.

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: It's broken!**

Sir,

You owe me a new stopwatch. Whatever you were doing with it while I was blindfolded completely jammed the button on the top. It's utterly useless now.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: Med Report**

Jack,

As requested, Gwen's medical report. I would have given it to you in person but when I headed up to give it to you after you sent us home, I heard some very strange noises coming from your office. All I know is that I heard a lot of moaning about a stopwatch. And I don't want to know anything more. The mental images are daunting enough as it is.

Physically, she's fine. The hole in the back of her head started to heal the moment that Suzie died. There's no tissue damage, I doubt she'll even scar. Mentally... well. Let's put it this way - I spent the whole medical making fat jokes about her boyfriend and she didn't snap once. That's like the equivalent of you making it through a whole day without making some kind of dirty double entrendre. So I think something's definitely wrong there. Maybe you should talk to her.

Doctor Owen Harper

P.S. Have you read that posthumous email from Suzie? It's very creepy.

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Gwen.

Are you okay?

It's just that Torchwood employees have to be both physically and mentally well before they come to work. Not to say there's anything wrong with you - consider this enquiry simply a recommendation from your doctor.

Jack

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE:**

I'm fine, really. A little embarrassed, I guess. Ashamed of myself for letting Suzie manipulate me. But relieved you let me keep my job. Thanks for that, by the way. I'm not sure I understand why you're letting me stay but it was nice of you to give me a second chance.

There was another question I had, actually. I've been going over and over in my mind how to get it out, but the words don't sound right and it's a little bit mad. But I guess you would be the one to ask - The last vague memories I have before I regained consciousness are of being dragged down the jetty towards the water, a mind-numbingly painful hole being ripped into the back of my head, my vision marred with blind spots. I thought I was going to die - and then, everything just went dark. But I was conscious - like, somehow, awake and dreaming at the same time. I was in the dark and I was alone and I was running - or least, I was trying to run. I don't even know whether I had a corporeal form - everything was so confusing, even time was out of kilter, like a second and a week could run simulateously against eachother, like I was living inside a dream, a nightmare. I was running blindly because there was something else out there, something in the dark. I don't know whether it was coming for me, but one thing was for sure. The thing in the dark was moving.

I guess that was when I woke up. But I just want to ask, Jack - was what I saw... this is going to sound mad. It's just that when Suzie spoke about death she said she was in the dark, and there was nothing, nothing but the moving creature. So I guess what I want to know is - did I see death? And if so, I mean, I guess that's it. I won't lie - it's kind of freaking me out, Jack. I always thought I wanted to know what the afterlife would be like, so I could be prepared when the time came, but now I kind of wish I never asked Suzie what it was like. And I wish I never saw that darkness. Even if it was only for less than a minute, Jack it felt like an eternity.

I won't let this affect my work here. I mean, I'm a little shaken up but I always knew death was inevitable. I just didn't expect it to be so ... bleak. You're lucky, Jack. Whatever is out there in the darkness, you won't have to meet it for at least very long time.

**...**

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Yes, death is inevitable, Gwen. And that's what makes it so terrifying. I'm sorry you had to see death in that way, because I have no doubt that that is what you saw. Even so, I hope this extra burden doesn't deter you from life. The only way to rise above this is to live in the moment and take each day as it comes - and I think this job is the perfect way to do that, right? And trust me, you can live for hundreds of years doing what we do and you'll never find a dull moment. For as long as we live, as long as the Rift is open and the Universe keeps popping out more unique specimens of evolution, we'll never be without something to do.

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: I'm going to hunt you down**

ALRIGHT, WHO ATE MY GINGER NUTS?

Whoever it was, I'm going to hunt you down. I'll going to pull up the security footage. You have been warned.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

* * *

**That was one of my favourite episodes of season 1 so I hope I did it okay .. now I put this question up to the reader - who _did_ eat Ianto's ginger nuts?**

**Random Shoes is next (help!) and it's almost entirely in the perspective of a dead guy who can't even use a computer. Greeeaaat.**


	9. Random Shoes

**S1 Episode 1: Random Shoes**

* * *

**From: alienzincardiff passmoretelesales . co . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Hi**

Umm.. so hiya! That's how they say it in Wales, isn't it? Well, you would know. I'm from Wales too, I guess, but I've never really got into the lingo. I don't know why. Maybe because the majority of my talking I do online and even that doesn't require much dialogue if I'm playing World of Warcraft or something.

Oh, but I guess you're struck for who this is. Sorry. You must think I'm a stalker or something. I'm not. You've met me before - I tried to give you some papers on some alien (well, I think they might be alien) stuff I've collected. My name is Eugene Jones - just like your colleague Ianto Jones! We're not related, I've checked.

Oh and I suppose you think I'm a bit mad and I might spoil your Torchwood secrets but the fact is I know diddly squat and in any matter I wouldn't want to, I just want to get _closer_ to it all. You see, every night I look up into the sky, at the periphery of all those galaxies and solar systems up there that we haven't even begun to discover it just makes my heart explode like a big giant supernova that I'm not out there seeing the lot of it. What you do brings just a bit of that down to earth. You must see some amazing things. I don't think it's all Daleks and Cybemen (yes, I know the real names, impressed?), I think some of the stuff you find has got to be out of this world magnificent.

But Gwen I will let you get back to your work now. Just wanted to let you know that if you guys ever need help on the alien front, I'm here. Take care and keep safe.

Love,

Eugene

**...**

**From: alienzincardiff passmoretelesales . co . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Hi**

Hi!

I didn't get a reply to my last email but I guess you've been super busy and stuff. I've been busy too so that's okay.

I also thought you might be angry because I found out your email address and everything is supposed to be all hush-hush but I promise I haven't given it to anyone. I mean, this is just between me and you, Gwen. Anything said here is locked in an airtight safe with the key safely at the bottom of Cardiff Bay.

That's actually why I'm writing you for the second time. This might sound creepy but I saw you the other day. You were walking along the road and I was sitting on the bus, and when I saw you I just wanted to leap out the window and give you a hug because you looked so sad but I couldn't because when I tried to get my leg out the window the bus driver had a raging fit at me and threatened to call the police unless I sat down like a normal person. He was a bit rude actually.

I thought it might have something to do with that news lately that there have been cannibal attacks at the Brecons Beacons. I just have a hunch that Torchwood was involved somehow - cannibals in South Wales? I know there was alien involvement, surely. And you know, whatever it was that upset you, you can tell me, because, you know, airtight safe and all. I promise I won't breathe a word to anyone.

Love,

Eugene

**...**

**From: alienzincardiff passmoretelesales . co . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Hi**

So I still haven't recieved a reply and I thought that might be because you have a jealous boyfriend or something deleting all my emails ... not that he's got anything to worry about with me, of course. Of course, I'm just joking. You probably don't even have a boyfriend - not because you couldn't get one or anything but because you've got so much on your plate. So you'd probably need a boyfriend who shared that same interest and knows what you do and how freaking amazing that is. Which would be hard to find unless you know where to look.

_Do_ you have a boyfriend?

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. What I really wanted to know was more about those cannibals because they way I see it there has to be some alien influence there. We just don't get cannibalism in South Wales, you see? So, just tell me if I'm wrong, right, or simply laugh but here goes: _alien possession_. I reckon that happens, doesn't it? Especially if the alien needs the human body as a host and they've got a hankering for human flesh themselves. So that's what I reckon happened.

I saw you the other week on one of Torchwood's outings and I saw you are pretty close with Owen and I don't want to be rude or anything but I think you'd be best to cut your losses there. That other girl Suzie used to hang around with him a lot and she always looked miserable.

Take care,

Eugene

**...**

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: alienzincardiff passmoretelesales . co . uk**

**RE: Hi**

Hiya Eugene. Thanks for you emails. They were... entertaining. I enjoyed reading them but I am going to have to ask you to stop. Tosh reckons it's a blatant disregard for security and it could get me (and, worse, you) in a lot of trouble with my boss so it's probably the best idea to stop before we end up waking up naked in the Swiss Alps somewhere with our census records deleted and our memories wiped. ... Not that that could actually happen, no.

I think it's great you've got such a wonderful interest in aliens, Eugene. You're right, some of the stuff we find is out of this world magnificent. We do find some stuff that is less wonderful but I think they balance eachother out. And the fear and the pain that comes with this job is hard to deal with at first but then you realise how many people you help by doing it and it just makes it worth getting up in the morning. Everyday is an emotional rollercoaster and you just feel buggered by the end of it, but you always find the energy to wake up and find something new the next morning.

I probably shouldn't say anything more but I thought I should just confirm that the cannibal attacks were entirely under human influence. That's the other thing about this job, Eugene. You learn as much about humanity as you learn about the aliens, and you don't always like what you see.

Keep safe and try not to jump out of any buses.

Gwen

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

Gwen's bonkers. Just saying.

This isn't fucking Disney.

**...**

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

You know, she did sort of get shot in the head last week? Maybe that's got something to do with it? Like she's missing some part of her brain? Owen, you the tell us.

**...**

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

Tosh, stop stirring. I'm sure she's not missing part of her brain.

It's probably a mental issue, she's recovering from a shock and now she thinks she's got to find out what happened to this Eugene guy because... I don't know, someone in her head told her to.

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwod . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

Hmmm, interesting hypotheses. You know, maybe her and this Eugene fellow were having an affair on the side? He did fancy her. Knowing the freak he was he probably offered her ten thousand quid and half of his Star Trek collection for a quick shag. I don't know - Ianto, what do you think?

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

I think you're all being a bit mean. I think we have to remember that she is new and that after all the things she's seen, and especially after last week, some simple police work concerning a young man's death is probably what she needs right now. It's not hurting anyone, just like it doesn't hurt anyone when you (Owen) spend hours playing video games instead of doing any actual work.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

Shit, when did you turn all Dr. Phil? You're ruining our fun!

Unless... you're just trying to cover your tracks, Ianto, and you've been putting drugs in her coffee all this week? That's right isn't it? I always knew you were sick in the head.

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

No, Owen, your coffees are the only ones I put drugs in. And... I would stay close to a bathroom if I were you.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net, the captain torchwood . net**

**RE: here we go again...**

He's ... kidding, right? I mean, of course he is. He doesn't have the BALLS to do something like that to me! I would kill him. You tell him that! I would fucking kill him! Miserable little tosser.

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Eugene**

I know you all thought I was losing it this week. Even I started to think I was going crazy. But I knew I could feel something there, and I was almost sure it was Eugene's presence, and in the end I was right so who knew? We got there in the end. You got your eye and Eugene's family finally got some answers, so that's the main thing. So, yeah, thanks for being as patient as you could be ... apart from Owen who seemed to want to tell me at every opportunity that I was bonkers. By the way, where is he? I haven't seen him since we got back from Eugene's and I kind of want to rub it in his smug little face.

**...**

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Eugene**

He's sick.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: alienzincardiff passmoretelesales . co . uk**

**RE: Thank you**

Hiya, Eugene. So I know this is crazy and I just saw you disappear into the sky so I know you'll probably (pretty much definitely) never get this email but this really was the only way we ever communicated. That's sad. I wish I got to know you better, and if it wasn't for me being all uppity with my new job we could have been good friends.

I know you're technically dead and my co-workers will probably put me on Thorazine for writing this but I just wanted to let you know... thank you. Not just for saving my life, but for everything. Your life here just wasn't up to scratch with how special you are, and I hope that wherever you are now, it's treating you better.

Love Gwen.

* * *

**A/N: I know I haven't updated this in forever. I've lost it (this update) so many times due to computer and personal failure that I kind of just sulked for a bit. I hope it's okay. I was kind of stuck for what to do for this episode, but I think Eugene was a sweet and interesting character and that's why he's got such a large chunk of text at the beginning. **

**Next time: Out of Time! I hope to update more frequently, but till then check out my other fics (I've just updated "Epidemic" and it's getting pretty intense). **

**Reviews are better than banana milkshakes.**


	10. Out of Time

**My first update in ages - I'm sorry about that. The files got deleted and for a long while I just wasn't feeling it. Then, at 2 o'clock this morning I got a sudden hankering to write my Inbox fic again. It's weird but whatever because here's the next installment! I apologize if it's a little rubbish because Out of Time was actually one of more difficult episodes and I haven't done one of these in ages. But thanks for all your patience and your reviews.**

* * *

**S1 Episode 10: Out of Time**

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: So, what is it you all do again?**

Dear all,

How are we all this fine and drizzly morning? Well, I presume. The wind and the rain and the common cold will not succeed to thwart our duties. In fact, Jack says so. So, if you've got an ailment make sure it's life-threatening serious (we're talking comatose, coughing up blood, passing out with every given step) before you decide to skip work. That or get Owen to prescribe a phony doctor's note. But even then, Jack won't be happy. So...

NO MORE GETTING SICK!

Owen – no more swigging bourbon at the local pub till you can't see straight and you wake up somewhere on the other side of Cardiff with your head pounding.

Gwen – no more hugging all the sick aliens that fall through the Rift. The next time we have to find an antidote for an infection that DID NOT EVEN ORIGINATE ON THIS EARTH we'll simply have to leave you to perish.

Toshiko – if you're allergic to bananas then perhaps banana bread isn't for you?

I have a perfect attendance record.

But let's not get into that. Jack has asked me to make sure all your records are up to date. This mainly means that I have to confirm everything you can do. As you all can imagine, it's a lot of fun. So with no further ado – your skills, in summary.

Toshiko Sato: computer skills (super-advanced in just about every single thing to do with computer), specialises in hacking and software design. Is also very good with firewalls (ours and others), encryption, translation. Oh, and putting together fake websites. And running analysis. And installing security systems. So, in sum, every tech-y. Skilled in operating handguns. Good with stitches, surface wounds, and adminstering first aid. Will go undercover and on missions though prefers to operate from the home base.

Owen Harper: medical skills – can I just say everywhere? I really cannot be bothered retyping everything I just wrote on your plethora of medical credentials, Owen. You do realise that if you worked as a doctor you would be paid a lot more than you are currently being offered here. Also proficient in operating guns. THE first aid officer. Enjoys undercover work and working on the field. Will not operate on the brain and not a very good runner. Terrible bedside manner (i.e. no dealing with people).

Gwen Cooper: Police training means background in investigation (attention to detail), handling crises, and strategic dealing with people. A strong runner. Has shown to be adept in handling hostage situations (though, somehow, usually manages to be the hostage). Trained in all firearms. Trained in all (basic!) Torchwood software and security functions. Trained in First Aid. Has yet to properly go undercover but has shown a propensity to working in the field. Can knock someone unconscious with a single punch (which, suprisingly, has proven useful on a number of occasions, mainly when Owen is on the receiving end).

I asked Jack whether or not I should update his credentials and he said "You think it gets better than this?" So I added "overly self-confident" to his list of attributes.

Have I missed anything? Any secret talents the system doesn't know about? Let me know.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones.

...

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**CC: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: So, what is it you all do again?**

Oh, very funny tea boy. I see you've left your special skill set out. Probably because filing paperwork and making coffee doesn't really look like much on paper.

By the way, don't think I haven't seen you crawl your way in here a half dozen times, sick as a dog. So the reason why you have perfect attendance isn't because of some spectacular immunity (or sobriety) but because you're a little arse kisser, that's why. And no matter how many times you waltz into the office at 5 in the morning with that chipper little smile on your face – you're still the tea boy.

As for our records, you've missed out a couple of things – namely that I have many other skills but I am actually a perfectly fine runner and what's more I can bench press twice my weight. Also Tosh makes good sandwiches and Gwen is good at yelling (at people, the computer, a pencil, Myfanwy, some curry, so on and so forth).

PUT THAT ON YOUR RECORDS!

...

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**CC: techcheck torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: So what is it you all do again?**

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M GOOD AT YELLING? MAYBE IF I YELL TO GET THINGS DONE AROUND HERE BUT OTHER THAN THAT I AM REALLY QUITE A QUIET PERSON, HONESTLY. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT OWEN WHEN YOU GO AROUND SCREAMING AND SWEARING HALF THE TIME BECAUSE (IANTO'S RIGHT) YOU'RE STILL GETTING RID OF YOUR HANGOVER AND ALL YOUR CLOTHES SMELL LIKE BOURBON WHISKEY AND VOMIT! SERIOUSLY. AND I WAS ONLY YELLING AT THE CURRY BECAUSE THE PLASTIC CONTAINER WAS LEAKING ALL OVER ME AND IT GOT ON MY JEANS AND BURNT MY HANDS, WHICH I THINK IS A GOOD REASON TO SHOUT IF THERE EVER WAS ONE. GOD!

IANTO, I WORKED AS A RECEPTIONIST THROUGH COLLEGE. ANY USE TO YOU?

…

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**CC: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: So what is it you all do again?**

I...uh, hate to break this up, but Jack's calling for you. Gwen and Owen, I mean. Something's come through the Rift... again. He'll meet you outside the Hub in five. Get your jackets – it's freezing out.

Ianto, you forget I'm a skilled physicist and engineer, both practical and theoretical.

And, Owen. You like my sandwiches?

Tosh

* * *

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: johnellis torchwood . net, sallyannehope torchwood . net, deborahmorrison torchwood . net**

**RE: new emails**

John, Diane, and Emma,

Now that you have been briefed on how to operate a mobile, here is another avenue for communication. Email is like sending letters except it is instant and can travel all over the world and to many different people. There is email software installed on all your phones, and this email will have caused your phone to give you a notification. Emails are sent over the Internet, which is sending information wirelessly from computer to computer.

If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask me. I know it sounds like a whole new language but technology is actually really simple. These email addresses I have given you are Torchwood-issue and aren't to be used in communication with anyone besides yourselves and the Torchwood team. Once you get the hang of it, you can open your own email accounts with whatever cool address name you choose and these accounts will be closed.

Toshiko Sato

...

**From: sallyannehope torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: new emails**

Dear Toshiko,

I cannot believe it! This Internet truly is a curious and wonderful place! I don't even know what I did right but all of a sudden the Internet told me that I was the lucky 1, 000, 000th visitor and I've won £50, 000! What luck! I can even buy a new plane with money! Perhaps this 21st century is not so terrible after all.

If you would, you may need to help me claim the money. After I "clicked" on the congratulatory message the mobile made a funny sound and the screen is black.

Thank you kindly,

Diane

...

**From: deborahmorrison torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: new emails**

Dearest Toshiko,

This Internet is amazing! Thank you for introducing it to me! In the past half hour I have seen so many spectacular and beautiful things. These "videos" defy all belief! I have seen a cat play a piano! There is a chipmunk who appears to have had a dramatic revelation? Oh, and I am receiving an invitation from the Internet to watch a video of two girls having a good time. This should be rather interesting.

Oh my goodness! OH! My God, what is this? Turn it off! Toshiko, help me! What is this? Make it stop!

…

**From: johnellis torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: new emails**

Dear Toshiko,

Who or what is a "Chuck Norris"?

Yours faithfully,

John Ellis

…

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: johnellis torchwood . net, sallyannehope torchwood . net, deborahmorrison torchwood . net**

**RE: new emails**

Uh, perhaps introducing you to the Internet wasn't such a good idea. Just... forget what you saw. If that's at all possible.

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: the morning from hell**

I think I may have corrupted Emma... already. You see, she was very upset last night and had no where to go. She couldn't stay with John – he was making her eat liver. So I had no choice but to offer for her to stay with me. I know I should have asked first but it was late and to be honestly I really couldn't arsed. Which kind of leads me on to my next point.

Rhys didn't know Emma was there and … (sigh) he was walking around this morning bollock-naked. Emma was sleeping in the living room and she caught sight of his … well, you know. It was awful. She let out this bloodcurdling scream and I ran into the living room thinking she'd been murdered or something and Rhys is just standing there, completely nude. He doesn't even think to get a pillow and hide... it. I think he was probably just in shock. And Emma's just sitting there looking at it like it's something from another planet, like it's going to lash out and eat her or something. Then she ran away and I had to drag her back, calming her down all the way. _No, no, Emma, it's okay, it's fine... it's just a penis, everyone has them, well not everyone, but certainly most men do, and oh Emma please don't cry it's not really that _big_ of a deal... oh, uh, don't tell Rhys I said that_.

To cut a long story short she's going to be living with me now until we find another arrangement and Jack if you're not happy with this tell me but until then she's my auntie's step-daughter or something and if you ever happen by Rhys that's the story you go by.

Gwen

...

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: the morning from hell**

Gwen, I'm crying from laughter. Mostly because Emma's reaction to Rhys' nob is much the same to how you reacted to the weevil the first time you saw one. I wonder which is truly scarier.

By the way, I'm okay with Emma staying with you for a SHORT while. It's not perfect, but nothing about this situation is.

Jack

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: John's son**

Tosh, I want to you to perform a search on John's son, Alan Ellis. I want you to find out everything you can about him, including where he lives now. Don't mention any of this to John. If something has happened to his son it may send him over the edge. These are each extremely delicate cases to be dealing with and we need 100% professionalism.

Jack

...

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: John's son**

It's not good, Jack. I'll send you everything in a minute but long story short he's living in a nursing home and he's got Alzheimers. It's possible he won't even remember his father, let alone be able to comprehend his return fifty years later, not having aged a bit. I wouldn't recommend a reunion.

Tosh

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: shopping**

Gwen, you wouldn't happen to know any sort of dress shops around the area?

Owen

...

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: shopping**

Ummm... what a strange question. Coming from you, anyway. I don't know, when was the last time I bought a dress? I'm sure if you go to Queen's Arcade you'll find something. Oh, that's given me an idea actually – I should take Emma shopping. I'm sure she'd love to look at all the clothes and shoes and things, teenage stuff, you know. What a great idea. Thanks Owen.

* * *

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE: Tracking through the Rift**

Tosh, answer your phone! You've got to help me – is there any way you can track the things that go through the Rift. I mean, when the Rift opens and if something goes through it can you find out where it's gone? Fuck. It's Diane, Tosh. The Rift opened and she took her plane and flew straight into it. Is there any way of knowing where she's gone, if she's alright? Call me once you get this message and don't you dare tell me it's hopeless.

* * *

**From: deborahmorrison torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: London!**

Dearest Gwen,

Merry Christmas! I am in London now and it is SO BIG! And it's dazzling and grand and oh so busy – much more so than Cardiff. I don't know how I shall ever leave.

The fashion house is amazing. The clothes are just like the styles we had back home, except they're much grander now, and the designer uses lots and lots of sparkles! The first day, I walked in there wearing my old pink coat and the designer said that it was just what they were looking for to put on the market. So now, as well as being a trainee buyer and a shop girl, the designer keeps asking for my opinion on things and showing me samples before anyone else in the whole of London. Of course I just nod and say that everything is exquisite though. It is.

I hope you'll say goodbye to everyone for me, especially Diane and John. Ask them to email me or send me a letter soon enough. I miss them. And I miss you. I'd come down and visit but like I said I don't know how I can ever leave London and I think I've caused you and Rhys enough strife. I'm dreadfully sorry and I hope you two will make amends promptly.

Good bye!

Yours,

Emma

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: Let's meet.**

Rhys is gone. I mean, I'm sure he's coming back. He always does. He didn't come back for Christmas, and he's the festive type, you know. He's probably with his parents for the holidays and I know he'll come back before the New Year starts, mostly because he fights with his Dad (about me, apparently) and he can't stand his mam. He's just angry because I lied to him. He'll come back.

Do you want to meet up somewhere? Maybe we can see a movie. Or have dinner. Whatever. Call me, okay?

...

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Let's meet.**

Gwen, I don't do that shitty boyfriend stuff. Dinners, films, whatever. That's because I don't do the boyfriend thing. If you want that then apologise to Rhys and pray he forgives you because there's not a chance in Hell that you're getting it from me.

If you don't mind, I think I'll sit around by myself and get pissed.

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood. Net**

**RE: Very funny.**

Dear all,

Season's greetings. I was just around the Hub (yes, I'm working, some people have more important things to do than get drunk and gorge themselves on stuffed meats and brussel sprouts, and besides, my attendance is still perfect) and I noticed that my file has been tampered with. Namely, my list of credentials. It now reads:

Ianto Monica Arse-Kisser Jones: Butler, baker, cappucino maker. Files documents like a ninja. We've never seen him use a gun and he runs like a girl. When not at work (but he's always at work because he's a little arse kisser) he probably watches re-runs of Battlestar Galactica and writes love letters to himself. And he doesn't like icecream – what kind of a freak doesn't like icecream? A great kisser and frisky lover.

Thanks everyone for the extra workload I have trying to change this back. The last part is especially creepy. The entire file is triple-deadlocked and firewalled so I assume Tosh was involved. And I just know Owen wrote most of it.

I took the liberty of changing each of your files.

Captain Jack Harkness: pervert.

Gwen Cooper: actually probably likes icecream a bit too much, and since when was disliking icecream such a bad thing? It's far too cold and it gives me a headache.

Toshiko Sato: I thought you were better than this.

Owen Harper: twat.

_Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring with it to you all prosperity and good health!_

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones


	11. Combat

**S1 Episode 11: Combat**

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . co . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: dinner**

prynhawn da! i know ur probably hard at work but i wanted 2 remind u about our date tonight. remember that french place we went to? i've been thinking & i'm so glad were finally doing this , it will be so good to sit & talk for a while. especially after christmas, i think we can put it behind us, yeah? we'll have a fresh start for the new year. i love you. pick u up at 7? xx

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: go home!**

Hey guys,

Seeing as Gwen's taking the night off, I thought it would only be fair to let you all take the night off. I reckon we all need some R & R. But I will need you in bright and early tomorrow so no piss-ups! Owen, as I can't remember the last time you _weren't_ hungover, that instruction particularly applies to you.

Go on and get some sleep.

Jack

...

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: go home!**

Piss off, Jack. You're not my mother. I'm going out tonight anyway, I don't need your permission.

...

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: go home!**

Are you sure, Jack? I'm running an important scan and what if there is some unexpected rift activity? Or do you remember the time when I wasn't here and *SOMEONE* spilt oil or *SOMETHING* on the circuit board?

The entire thing went offline and everyone was locked in the Hub, you were all stuck in there for TWO DAYS. If I was there I could have told you that all you had to do was turn it off and on again! Remember how I found you, huddled under a blanket in corner because the heaters were down, fighting over the last can of baked beans? It was that day I swore I would never take the weekend off for something as silly as my birthday again.

No, I think I should stay back for a few more hours, just in case of… incidents.

Tosh

...

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: go home!**

Sir,

Of course, I will go if that's what you want. But I'd be even happier to stay if you want some… company.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

…

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: I'm not going to tell you twice**

What is WRONG with you people? I am trying to do you all a favour and you're acting like it's a punishment. I'm not going to tell you again - get out of my Hub. Go home and get some sleep. If I see any of you before tomorrow morning, I will personally feed you to Myfanwy. I hear she has a taste for bitchy neurosis.

Tosh, are you ever going to drop the circuit board incident?

Ianto, maybe another time. Even the most buzzed on caffeine need a rest.

Owen, I may not be mother but I am your boss. Learn some goddamned respect.

…

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: I'm not going to tell you twice**

All I'm saying is, that equipment is very expensive and a lot of it I actually designed myself, so I don't think you and Ianto should be so reckless around it. Can't you two go and do … whatever it is that you do … somewhere outside the Hub?

...

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: this is awkward**

Um, so forget everything I just said. I need you guys back at the Hub. It's urgent, some people are kidnapping weevils. And, no, I won't feed you to Myfanwy. Just drop everything and come.

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . co . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE:**

i am so bloody angry with u gwen! im writing this down because i want u to know exactly how i am feeling about u now, before i calm down. & i know i can't talk to u because the moment u look at me or tell me ur sorry im just going to cave in and forgive u. well i dont want to forgive u. not just yet.

u promised tonight u would try. u said u would sit down and relax & have dinner & be my girlfriend again. its the least you owe me after lying to me about emma. and everything else, don't think i havent noticed! u crawl in here at all hours and expect me not to notice the bruises. u tell me its just work stuff but i catch you sometimes, youve got this look in your eyes like ur so...disturbed.

but everytime i ask you whats wrong you just laugh, or change the subject or lock yourself in the bathroom. i mean i get police confidentiality but what about me? dont u care about me enough that u would tell me so i'd stop worrying about u?! no u just shut me out. its like im not even there, i think you would prefer it that way wouldnt u.

i'll be at daf's. im sick of listening to ur pathetic answering machine messages.

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE:**

OWEN ANSWER YOUR PHONE AND GET YOUR BONY ASS BACK TO THE HUB RIGHT NOW. IF I HAVE TO COME OUT THERE AND FIND YOU, YOU'LL BE SORRY.

I WILL FORCE YOU TO WATCH TINTIN.

* * *

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Owen?**

Have any of you seen or spoken to Owen? He's not answering any of my calls or emails; I said he could have the night off, but as always, you give him an inch and he takes a mile.

I knew I should have had you all fitted with a tracking chip. If you all stopped running away or getting kidnapped, this wouldn't be an issue.

Gwen, you seen him?

…

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: Owen?**

We've talked about this Jack, the tracking chip is a DEAD ISSUE. It would be an outrageous violation of privacy and basic human rights. We're not dogs - we can't go around with bits of bleeping hardware sewn into our necks. I mean, we might as well be kept on leashes and wear collars all the time that say "RETURN TO JACK HARKNESS" ... and don't let that give you any ideas, you dirty dirty man.

Why would I know where Owen is? He's been ignoring me for weeks. Maybe you should ask Tosh, she seems know everything that goes on with him.

* * *

**From: laurenlovesmike wmail . co . uk**

**To: harperssales jelliedeels . co . uk**

**RE: bulk buying**

Hi,

I'd like to buy a large shipment of jellied eels and I was wondering if there's a discount on bulk orders. My boyfriend really loves them, but it's hard to find a good price on them in stores.

Thank you,

Lauren Hill

...

**From: harperssales jelliedeels . co . uk**

**To: laurenlovesmike wmail . co .uk**

**RE: bulk buying**

Hi Lauren,

This is Owen Harper, of Harper's Sales. I think you should cut your losses with that boyfriend. I mean, what the hell kind of person would be interested in hundreds of jars of cold, boiled, gelatinous fish? Is he a cat? Where did this loser come from and how does he function in normal society?

Also: we don't exist.

Have a nice day,

Owen Harper

* * *

**From: marklynch lynchfrost . co . uk**

**To: Address Book (Club)**

**RE: New Member**

**Attached: jelliedeels . html**

Boys,

I'm thinking of holding an initiation for a new member of the club. His name is Owen Harper. He doesn't know exactly what we do yet, but I am 100% positive he will be interested. He's got the rage of an animal in his eyes, he'd take out himself and all of Cardiff if it was an outlet for him. Who knows, he might become our new record holder?

The thing is, I'm still doubtful of his story. He reckons he's a jellied eels exporter. The information on him is attached. It's all very good - a little too good, if you ask me. Jellied eels - it's like he's _trying_ to be obscure. I don't trust it.

The other thing is some people are catching our scent. I'm almost certain it's not the police, they looked more ... unofficial. Keep an eye out for them - a tall, dark haired Caucasian man in a big coat; a dark haired Caucasian woman or petite Asian woman may also be with him. They also drive a black SUV, however, we haven't managed to get their plates because we knocked out the CCTV.

Because Mr Harper has shown an interest in us at the same time they have, I'm wary that he might have some involvement. So, boys, think hard and investigate for me: have you ever heard of a man called Owen Harper? Skinny, Caucasian, dark hair, London accent? I want you to find out who he is.

I will see you all at the meeting at the allotted time.

Mark Lynch

* * *

**From: ilovedanishes harwoodshaulage . co . uk**

**To: proudtobewelsh cardiffpolice . net**

**RE: sorry**

god gwen that is the last time i go out with daf, i must been SO pissed, I actually passed out on the couch, ive got a splitting headache and i cant remember anything from last night! im sorry if u had to deal with me in a state like that, i must have been a bloody nightmare.

and… im sorry about getting angry at u before. look i know ur really busy with work & i support u but we've got to make room in our lives 4 other things, u know? i just dont want u to forget about us because, well, i really love u.

come home soon. we could have a night in, like we used to. eat lasagne, talk, watch a movie. I just rented Fight Club. talk to u then xx

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Retcon**

Dear Gwen,

I don't wish to intrude but as Inventory Supervisor I noticed that some Retcon and sedative were taken from the supplies last night. A little too much sedative, I might add, so if you were planning on using that on someone you won't have much luck before they pass out cold. The correct procedure is always to sign off on drugs, weapons and other equipment coming out of the Hub. And, as always, Jack is the only person who can do so.

Again, I don't wish to intrude but while I was looking through security footage to find out who it was who took the Retcon, I saw you returned to the Hub that night (you were alone, with pizza). I must ask: is everything alright? Is there anything we should know about? If something's wrong we don't want you to deal with it alone. We learnt our lesson with Susie on that note.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

P.S. I didn't tell Jack about the Retcon but I'd sure feel better about it if you gave me an explanation.

...

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: Retcon**

Yes, Ianto I did take the Retcon, and I'm sorry but I can't tell you what I did with it. I just can't.

Tell Jack if you want to. Just stop being so nice to me. I don't deserve it.

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: groceries**

Owen,

I'm about to do the grocery run. Do you need anything? Coffee, biscuits, beer? Let me know and it's yours.

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

...

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: groceries**

WOW, I must have REALLY done something bad if _you're_ being nice to me. I should wrestle with Weevils more often.

But in that case get me a six pack of lager, a packet of paracetamol, pork scratchings, mint chewing gum, crisps, a ham sandwich, two packets of cigarettes, those biscuits with the custard filling and the jam in the middle, and a loaded gun. Only one bullet will do.

Cheers Ianto.

...

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE: groceries**

Owen,

I'm back and I got everything you need. Well, almost everything - they didn't have ammunition at Tesco's. But I'm sure you'll manage without.

I bought you Malboro Golds, I hope that's suitable? I'm not really sure, I don't smoke, and until this afternoon I was fairly sure you didn't either.

Sincerely,

Ianto Jones

**...**

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: the caffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: groceries**

Cheers, Ianto. And for the record, I don't smoke. I just like the smell of them.

* * *

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: Owen**

JACK. Why the hell is Owen back at work? He seems to believe it's because you ordered him to. Are you bloody mad?

Don't you care that he tried to kill himself two days ago? Don't you think he needs a little time?

Come back to the office and sort this out. And turn on your phone so I can yell at you.

...

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**RE: Owen**

Gwen, I am so angry with you right now, I'm shaking. YOU THINK I DON'T CARE ABOUT OWEN?

For your information, I ordered him to come into work SO WE COULD KEEP AN EYE ON HIM IN THE HUB. I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO BE ALONE IN HIS APARTMENT IN CASE HE DID SOMETHING STUPID.

At least at work he has the distraction, and HE HAS US.

So don't you dare tell me I don't care about him, and don't you dare act like you're the only one that does.

When I get back to the Hub, I want you out of my sight.

…

**From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: Owen**

I'm … really sorry, Jack. Just forget I ever said anything. Forget I'm here.

I keep screwing up.

* * *

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Wow, Jack is furious with Gwen. I just mentioned her name and he literally convulsed.

They must have had a huge fight. I know she was in a weird mood this morning so she probably started it. Sigh. Why can't we ever get anyone normal working here? It's not fair.

Owen, seeing as its Friday, do you want to go to the pub after work? Like we used to. It's okay if you don't. We could just hang out in my flat if you want to. I'll buy a bottle of wine and a pizza.

Tosh

...

**From: twatlife torchwood . net**

**To: techcheck torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Normal, Tosh? Trust me - that is normal. Normal for here, anyway. We all know that anyone's chance of real world normal is out the door the moment they walk in this place.

You see, there are 4 stages of mental initiation into Torchwood life:

**Stage 1**: OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE THERE'S ALIENS AND IS THAT A PTERODACTYL? I'M EXCITED AND SCARED BEYOND BELIEF. SIGN ME UP!

**Stage 2:** I CAN BARELY PROCESS ALL THIS SHIT SWIRLING AROUND MY HEAD AND MY PERSONAL LIFE IS GOING TO SHIT.

**Stage 3:** TORCHWOOD HAS RUINED MY LIFE. I BLAME TORCHWOOD, THE HUMAN RACE, JACK AND MYSELF. I AM INSANE, ROCKING IN A CORNER, WHO AM I?

**Stage 4:** I HAVE FINALLY ACCEPTED THE AWFUL REALITIES IN LIFE AND I'M A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, WORSE PERSON THAN I WAS WHEN I STARTED. I AM EMOTIONALLY DEAD AND THE ONLY REASON I'M STILL HERE IS BECAUSE I LITERALLY CAN'T RETURN TO EVERYDAY LIFE AGAIN. TORCHWOOD IS ALL I SEE, ALL I KNOW. I BREATHE TORCHWOOD'S POISON AIR, AND DREAM OF TORCHWOOD IN MY SLEEP. CUT ME AND I BLEED TORCHWOOD.

I'd say Gwen is at a Stage 2. We're both Stage 4, sorry, it's a fact, accept it. You can read all about the stages in my new book: "Torchwood Is A Diseased Pile of Bollocks" by Doctor Owen Harper. You can find it in Borders and on Amazon Books, and it's got a lovely picture of Jack's bollocks on the cover (I stole it from Ianto's harddrive, cheeky devil). Makes for a nice Christmas or wedding present, you know.

RE dinner. I think I'll go for the pizza option, but no touchy-feely crap of any kind. Funnily enough, the only way I DO like grapes is when they're fermented.

Owen

...

**From: techcheck torchwood . net**

**To: twatlife torchwood . net**

**RE:**

Well, I'm relieved to see you've got your sense of humour back. I don't know how Ianto would cope if you stopped baiting him... actually, he'd probably get a lot more work done. And stop "accidentally" spilling coffee in your lap.

And I am not a Stage 4. I am barely a Stage 3!

I hope you like red wine and meatlovers. Now, let's get out of here, Ianto is yelling at us to leave and Jack's smiling weirdly again. What's in that package he's holding? Never mind, I don't want to know. Remember that time they spilt lube all over the circuit board and everyone got locked in here? Yeah, I've never been able to get those mental pictures out of my head.

Tosh

P.S. I think we have to Retcon the pizza delivery man again. When he gave it to me he said, "free garlic bread for the world's defenders" and winked. Are we just about the worst secret organisation ever?

* * *

**From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**To: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**RE: your package**

Sir,

There is a package here for you.

It appears to be an assortment of leashes and dog collars? Of the, uh, adult variety? Oh God. I, um... I really don't want to know. I just hope you bought them to be used on the Weevils... or better yet, actual dogs.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones

...

**From: thecaptain torchwood . net**

**To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net**

**RE: your package**

Tell everyone to go home and bring the wonderful package to my office. Bring the dog collars and leashes, too. We're going to have some fun.

WOOF.

* * *

**A/N: This is long overdue, I know. I'm disorganised and forgetful and busy. But I hope it was alright. It was very hard to make an episode all about Owen wanting to die funny. It's not my favourite - when the highlight of "Combat" is Gwen sobbing into her pizza (that moment was so real), you know the episode isn't for you. And God help me with next episode, Captain Jack Harkness, where half the team are stranded in WWII and the rest are busy trying to get them back or shooting each other. Any ideas?**


End file.
